Shame
By: Melissa Carr, LPC, CAADC
EMDR Certified Therapist
EMDRIA Consultant in Training
From a Bravo reality show to real life, shame is everywhere
Lets talk about shame. A little word that carries a hefty punch. Take a moment- what physical sensation do you feel the moment you access the word shame? Mine is a sinking feeling in my stomach, a little nausea mixed with a hollowed-out feeling. Shame is a word that comes up considerably in sessions with my clients- it’s a pervasive feeling, if left untreated, that can be erosive to our core. It can influence thoughts, behaviors and most importantly core beliefs.
Some clients have used the visual of an erupting volcano with hot lava pouring out of the sides ready to wash over anyone in its path, another the visual of drowning in the ocean, yet others feeling strangled by it and countless other vivid descriptions. Yet other clients will very determinedly state that “They deserve the shame- they did something wrong”. They will look at me in a seemingly defiant way, tempting me to push back on a belief they feel they earned. Those clients have a deeper sense that they need to hold their shame deep or they are doomed to repeat the behavior again. That is where it becomes tricky. Shame is not a motivator- it is a detractor. Guilt is an indicator that I do not like a behavior I did and can be effective to changing behavior in the future. Shame makes you believe sentiments such as “I am not worthy”, “I am unlovable”, “I am permanently flawed,” and this list goes on and on.
Where does shame come from? It can be several sources but some of the most common that come up in my work as a trauma therapist are:
Childhood experiences of criticism, neglect, or abuse
Cultural or societal messages about identity, body image, or worth
Religious or moral conditioning that emphasizes punishment or perfectionism
Interpersonal relationships marked by rejection, betrayal, or humiliation
Shame thrives in secrecy. It often operates beneath the surface of our awareness, disguised as low self-esteem, self-sabotage, perfectionism, or emotional numbing. People may avoid eye contact, over-apologize, isolate themselves, or lash out in anger — all as protective responses to the deep discomfort of shame. In many cases, shame drives people to silence their needs, suppress their true selves, or disconnect from others. Over time, this can create a chronic sense of disconnection — from both self and community — which contributes to mental health symptoms. The way to start to heal is to start speaking up about your needs and re-elevalte what are my core beliefs? What is my shame ACTUALLY doing for me.
In the recent podcast, Mind Mingle, we explore this deeper using the backdrop of the TV show “Secret lives of Mormon Wives”. This delves deep into how these beliefs of shame get embedded in us and what to do about them. Please follow along in the discussion where we dive deeper into religious and familial shame.